furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks