furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The French word for sex is croissant.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?