furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.