Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home