Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Put a ring on it

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals