Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
30 seconds left on the microwave
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone
do the space shuttle countdown
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]