FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
You Might Also Like
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Wait a minute
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.