@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

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@Kyle_Lippert

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@vineyille

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

@Furry_Beaver

I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

@MarfSalvador

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

@AudreyPorne

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@LipLush1

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]