FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.