Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

😂

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.