Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Traveler’s camo
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
❤️🦆
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”