Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.