Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I think my mom just blocked me
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared