Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

If looks could kill

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea: