*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.