*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water