*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself