Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

for all #parents out there

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick