Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes