Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bootstraps
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass