Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Cheers Twitter.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.