Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Me: Same
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I know this now 😂
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Has science gone too far?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
There is no “we” in pizza
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day