Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.