Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.