Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid