Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.