Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Pass gas, not judgment.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

ㅤ

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”