future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.