Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”