Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.