Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Weighing up my bread heating options

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.