Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.