Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Perfect.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.