Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

My dad.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.