Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

Well, shit

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.