Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one