future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I saw this ending much differently.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation