Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

pictures of spider-man

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.