Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

no cat here

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good