Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

No selfies while hijacking a train.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Hmm, not sure about this change

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.