Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.