@JonBaker

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

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@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@krishna_van

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

@DirtyySouthMess

I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@thisisames

Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out

@polyhumorous

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

@iwearaonesie

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.