Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.