[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya