Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Good morning, Twitter x

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

There’s always that one guy

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.