Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Thursday Thought.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?