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Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Love this guy