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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
this is literally a CIA plant
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.