Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*