Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

Brands during Pride

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog