Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

notice

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

If snakes were wide

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

I’m aging like a fine banana

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso