FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.