FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.