FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

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English gangsters be like “Listen here my darling little G this delightful nook of absolute heaven is our area of residence and there’s simply no place for someone who was clearly born out off wedlock, …do you comprehend me my G”


I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller


What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.


I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.


Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”


2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”


Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”


I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.


Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family