Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater