Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Well well well…
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.