Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]