Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred