Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
wtf is a larm clock?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Never ghost your hitman.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets