fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long