Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Fidel Castro was alive?

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.