FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Childbirth is so beautiful
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either