FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
thank god the sign was there
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.