FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years