FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….