FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m giving up ice.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
