FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
When I retire I’m going to run from office.