Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looks at you in batman voice*

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.