FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Woke up against my better judgment again
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.