FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
good news everyone
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula