FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Personal question. #JustSaying
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong