Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

Bear knowledge

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

how to market bottled water to dads

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.