Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

it’s finally my moment to shine

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*