Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

😂😂

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

the battle rages on

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer