FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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black phone good
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.