Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Does this dress make me look cat?

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane