Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

grandpa was shocked

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself