Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Is this you?

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.