Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime