Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

No, I don’t think I will.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Mummies are just super modest zombies

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster