FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?


My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.


[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”


You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.


Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job


I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens


Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.


Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.