@longwall26

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

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@KevinFarzad

If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@thequeensheart

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.

@laurascaz

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

@daemonic3

[interrogation room]

me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer