@longwall26

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

You Might Also Like

@JurassicPark2go

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

@skittle624

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

@UncleDuke1969

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@bridger_w

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

@audipenny

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

@laurascaz

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.