If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
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Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
cop: again, the police dog is not an officer