Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Lmao 😁

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday