Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

#Caturday

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]