FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Liquor Store Parking
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.